I signed up for online dating again after a two-year hiatus and roughly 48 hours later, I was pressing cancel and delete before my thumbs caught an STD. The amount of boobs displayed would put a Ron Jeremy video to shame. It’s not for me. The flipside is I’ve heard success stories of wonderful connections, flights that would have otherwise been missed if it wasn’t for online dating. My problem is an unwillingness to sift through the baggage of lost luggage, and if I do find one I could meet for coffee, the Louis Vitton ends up being a fanny pack with a broken zipper.
So what’s my solution here? I’m a single dad, I work for myself and I have a knack for keeping busy. I am an entrepreneur which is another term for broke. If there is such a thing as ‘extra money’, it is reinvested into the business. I set out on a vision and I need to see it through; consider this my passion. I’ve simplified my life in order to achieve this goal. I’m frugal, thrifty, and creative. A recent Crock Pot purchase is part of this plan, and I make one hell of a Lasagna Soup. I’ve limited Starbucks to once a week, and I make one hell of a cup of coffee. By the way, if you have any slow cooker recipes that include mushrooms, bacon, and cheese, please email them to firstname.lastname@example.org. I appreciate it. Seriously, send me a recipe.
I guess what I’m saying is that I’m pretty boring, and I’m looking for someone as boring as me. When I scan through online dating profiles all I see are women shooting guns, climbing Machu Picchu, making friends in Thailand, and tandem skydiving with random men. I don’t even own a TV, not because I can’t afford it but I like to do other things like playing guitar while my daughter sings, board games, writing, reading or trying some new marketing thing with my business. If my girls aren’t around, I’ll go to dinner or to the movies by myself. When I look at my life, where I’m at and where I want to go, I have everything I need. Fulfilled, with the exception of a woman to share my boringness with.
When I think about the possibility of finding true love, I think of us living in a back alley dumpster sharing a can of pork ‘n beans while I’m squeezing on the thrift store t-shirt she got me for my birthday, laughing and enjoying the moment. Not that I’m leaning towards that lifestyle but to have that kind of love would make any life situation enjoyable and sufficient. It’s not that I’m unable to adult alone, it’s more about building a life together from the ground up, alongside a best friend. I believe the possibility of growing up together, even at 34 years old, still exists. Maybe my high school sweetheart is still out there, she’s just been making the same wrong decisions I’ve been making. Maybe we could tally who’s made more bad decisions together. Maybe I don’t want a Perfect 10; maybe I want an Imperfect 7. Whatever I end up with, I’ve got a solid 4.5 waiting for her.
When scrubbing myself with Comet and a Brillo-pad after my short-lived experience in online dating, I realized I’m not going to find her digitally. The one thing about social media or online dating is that it lacks the weakness and humility that brings two closer together, in person. I want someone willing to get naked, in the proverbial sense, with her everything. And if she happens to like an ungodly amount of body hair, I’ll get naked also. That’s how much I’m willing to expose myself, even if it means standing in the women’s restroom at Target now that guys are welcome, to find true love.