I’m normally a relationship guy. My two prior relationships lasted a combined total of 36 months, minus the 3-month break in one of them. The funny thing about breaking up is time, and how much of it becomes available instantly. It feels like I’m skinny dipping, swimming faster than Michael Phelps even with my gargantuan amounts of body hair. My typical reaction would be to change my relationship status, reach out to the friends I disappeared from, look for someone new and try, try again. Not this time buddy. This time I realized that I didn’t lose the love of my life. I lost loving my own life first; the life I’ve spent years dreaming of but have yet to do anything about.
Manda, a FTD Fan and rare commenter, said something that rang true about me and dating. She found it funny that I’m looking for love on dating sites when I have a bunch of followers, with some women throwing their digital panties my way. She didn’t say that exactly, I simply like imagining oodles of panties flying towards me with my arms waving like machetes. She followed up by listing why I am awesome, and asked if I was being picky, especially for someone who only wants a sandwich. It’s an honest and fair question that deserves an answer. Am I being too picky?
The first thing I pick is me. Besides ingrown hairs and boogers, I also pick people, places and things that increase my happiness and sense of value. I’ve already written about how much wasted time I’ve spent in senseless environments. Previous relationships were exactly that. I used to feel that a woman would fill some void in my life and complete me, Jerry Maguire style. If she screamed out, “SHOW ME THE MONEY,” I’d empty my pockets of nickels and dimes and lint balls. I didn’t have anything really going on for myself besides being a good dad with a job. And that I was always available.
The sexiest thing I ever did for myself was to choose to love myself first. That meant spending time doing what I wanted to do. What did I want to do? I wanted to bring an app to market, Genesis. I wanted to create a social media presence to bring awareness, along with a blog that got shared by other sites. I wanted to create an attorney service, and reach out to other potential partners that could benefit. I wanted to be freed from the chains of other people’s wants and start doing shit for myself. I wanted my dreams to become realities. I wanted my own business and I wanted to be my own boss. I’ve always wanted these things, and I want to continue to pursue them. Through all of this, I’m still dad and work a full-time job. All of this takes most of my time. I left very little room for anything else.
So relationships got put on the backburner, and dating has been a lackadaisical attempt, if that. I feel like I’m not done with the aforementioned, nor am I ready for commitment. I’d love to find a friend that is a girl but not necessarily a girlfriend. That doesn’t mean I want FWB either. If I’m going to end up in a serious relationship, I’d like it to start off very non-serious full of laughs, toots, pillow fights, fun, and random getaways. I’m not ready to settle down. If I’m going to waste time, it’d better be a blast.
The reason I don’t make any real attempt at love is my fear of it, not because I’m being picky. I’ve accomplished more for myself without a love in my life. That is a fact. It’s not to say I don’t want to date yet I tinker with the idea of eliminating dating altogether until I feel like I’m truly ready. There is a good possibility I end up with lots of cats instead. If you’re an FTD fan within 5 years of age 33 and don’t resemble a sea mammal or meth addict, I’ve probably already facestalked you. There are plenty of fans I’d go on a date with but I’m too afraid to ask. Plus, it’d give me creeper status and I’m much pickier than that.